I've been thinking alot about girls recently (surprise!) and the ways they deal with with or don't deal w/stress. Example- a girl at work had some car trouble, so she immediately was in tears...I felt bad for her of course, but I immediately thought "she must be the youngest in her family" Then I thought that if my middle sis was in the same situation, she'd probably keep her cool and get through it (then maybe cry later!)...
Different strokes for diff'ent folks I guess.
I think I wrote about this before, but what the hell-
My Japanese friend once said to me "I think guys like us aren't really affected by girls crying because we grew up w/crying sisters - so we're used to it" I though it was kind of a messed up thing to say, then I realized that he's right. I know a girl whose boyfriend freaks out whenever she cries, he's got two brothers... he's not used to a crying girl. I, on the other hand am like "stop being such a little wuss!" j/k... but seriously, I dunno if it makes me insensitive when my sister is crying, or extra-sensitive because I know what will make a girl cry.
(just about anything on certain days).
Angry mob of girls armed w/rolling pins: "Oh no you didn't!"
Me: "Oh shit, did I say that out loud?" (Running)
All I know is that girls cry- and the only thing I can do is either a) leave her the hell alone and let her cry it out, then talk to her. or b) give her a hug and try and console her w/out words or c) try and make her laugh. Honestly, I usually use (a) because crying is a personal thing to me, kinda like peeing...
y'know?
liquid?...but out of the eyes...flushing out waste? anyone? anyone?
I am alone on this I fear. anyways...
Random:
I overheard someone at work say something kind of cliche, but cool: "you gotta look at the good, cuz the bad side is always there- you'll always find something bad."
I found myself thinking about this all day, and it helped. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a dopey optimist wearing a happy face all the time... I'm just getting older I guess... and need to fight twice as hard to fend off bitterness.
******
She looked out her plane window and saw a sprawling fabric of clouds and atmosphere... she just tried to keep her mind blank, tried to forget what she was leaving behind. All of her belongings were stowed beneath her seat. A new start, a clean slate...that was her mantra that she kept repeating to herself as she was swept away into the void of airplane sleep.
Miles away, he lay on the floor of his room, defeated... His heart in the gutter, his head in the clouds.
"Where are you now?" he said to no-one and everyone in particular.
*****
I once had a crush on a girl who worked at Border's. I guess I had always dreamed of her, so when I saw this "incarnation" of her...
I trembled...
I quaked...
I first saw her in the magazine aisle (on one of the days me and my unemployed friends would ride the day away fueled on caffeine and pho). Her long brown hair caught my attention, but when she turned around- that's when I went into arrest. Slender, sharp features- big brown eyes, a quiet intesnity about her... I sensed/wished that she was an artist or writer of some sort. She looked like a combo of Kristin Davis, (the girly/prudish character on Sex and the City) and sexpot Heather Graham...she had a sleek, almost elfin quality about her. Something about elf-like women, don't ask me why.
Anyways, me and my friends would be at that Border's like 2-3 times a week... sometimes more. Just hanging out in the cafe, talking life, music, women... the stuff you talk about when you're in the limbo of not knowing what to do. There was another girl who worked in the cafe, a cute girl who reminded me of a cross between a young Carrie Fisher and Edie Brickell. Two of my friends where obsessed w/her and named her "shout out"... because whenever they'd see her (or any attractive girl, for that matter) they'd say "What's up!". This became our mantra, as attractive girls were/are in no short supply. One day, the girl who I liked, gave one of my friends kind of an angry look- he was terrified of her (so was I, but for different reasons) and named her "Angry Shout Out"... or just "Angry". The cafe girl became "Original Shout out".
Sometimes, it seems we WILL people into our lives. As if the heart senses what it would like to experience/love/possess/know... and then it's as if mysterious forces push and pull to fufill some kind of destiny.
There are also, of course, flukes.
It turns out that "angry Border's girl" was not in my destiny (or at least at this point in time), but the way our little webs intertwined for awhile made me think otherwise at the time...
(to be continued...)
*****
Part 2
So one night I went to a bar w/some friends, they stepped out for a smoke- leaving me alone at the bar. I made some small talk w/the friendly bartender- he reminded me of one of my cousins... he said he was half-Japanese. I told him that I was a bartender too, I think we bonded for a minute.
Anyways, I sat there for a bit, just sipping my beer when I noticed someone sat down right next to me. I casually looked over and to my utter amazement- there she was... Border's girl...beautiful, serene, alone... next to me...in a dive bar? My brain couldn't quite piece it together, it was too much to comprehend at once. I somehow worked up the nerve to talk to her... said something lame like "hey, I see you all the time at Border's"
Why am I so lame? Painful...
I thought she was going to totally diss me, but she suprised me. She was very gracious and talkative- totally betrayed the icy exterior she put on at work. It turned out that we had both been raised in Massachussetts- grew up within 5 minutes of each other in fact... I was really enjoying the conversation and her presence- suddenly a beer was placed in front of me by the bartender...
"oh, my girlfriend wanted to buy you a beer!"
Yeah, turned out that Border's girl was the bartender's girlfriend. I kind of shrunk, but felt ok- because he seemed to be a good guy. Besides, I'm used to meeting extremely promising girls only to find that they *suprise!* already have a boyfriend(s).
I hung out w/them for a bit- and the dynamic changed immediately after I found out she was spoken for- it was fun though. I gave them fliers to come see my band play. They showed genuine interest, but never made it to the gig.
So flash forward a few months- I had gone to the bar a few more times and chatted w/the couple whenever I was there. A couple of times, I ended up talking w/Border's girl at the bar while her boyfriend was busy making drinks. Some of her acquaintances who were regulars would eye me suspiciously, thinking I was some random dude hitting one her... she'd assure them that I was a friend, and we'd go back to our conversation. At this point, I had no romantic inclinations for her- or I'll put it this way- I would not act on them, because she was living w/the Bartender. We got along pretty well- we exchanged random details about one another... like her dad's favorite band was Black Sabbath... or that she was an artist, a painter- I remember (before I met her), that I had bought a sketch book at Border's - she, of course was the clerk. I remember vividly that her eyes lit up a little when I presented it to be rung up. Strange how little details like that stay in the mind so vividly...
My trips to Border's and the bar became less and less frequent as I had a new job in Palo Alto. A few more months went by, and I randomly went into Border's one day to browse some books and say hi to my new friend. It was around Feb. and I hadn't seen her in awhile. I walked in, and there she was- but something was wrong. Her eyes were sad, and she had a weary tone in her voice when she spoke.
"come over with me while I tidy up the magazines..." she said.
I went w/her around the store and she basically told me that her boyfriend had dumped and kicked her out of their place- immediately shacked up w/ a new lady. She was crushed- I felt awful for her. The bartender, by the way was 12 years her senior... I couldn't figure out why he'd dump her- then again I didn't really know her beyond what my mind had projected. It was close to Valentine's day- and somehow I found myself asking her out. I knew she loved sushi, and I worked at a sushi bar. So I offered to take her out on Valentine's day.
A foolish move.
Not because I was expecting anything to happen- but more because it was bad timing- and pointless really. I mean, I wanted to cheer her up, but at the same time it was opening an entirely different can of worms. Rebound worms... decoy worms (when her ex would undoubtably ask "what'd you do for Valentines?" she'd make him jealous by saying- "oh that guy took me out to Sushi") I was the decoy. I always am the decoy. (gotta change this...)
She said yes, she'd be "happy to go eat raw fish with me on Valentine's." I was excited, but confused at what I had just done... and wished that there was an "Undo" button that would rescind the offer... but ... it was too late.
The past like, 3 girls or so that I had hung out w/prior to her were girls fresh out of relationships... maybe a little lost (aren't we all?) I don't know what I was thinking... don't get me wrong- I don't mind cheering people up- in fact, I'm a sucker for a damsel in distress. It's just that there is too much baggage and unresolved stuff that is really none of my business. It's like arriving at the scene of the accident, rescuing a girl from a burning vehicle... she has no choice but to accept your kindness and good samaritan-ness. You try and help her nurse herself back to health, try to keep her mind off the ex...
But then something happens, she is ok again- but your relationship w/her has changed completely- a chemical reaction has taken place... she's over it- appreciative that you were there for her- but she no longer needs you. You understand this, and keep your distance- until you slowly dwindle to a pinpoint in the distance. You're like training wheels...
******
Part 3
I ended up going to dinner w/her and having one of the worst "dates" of my life. It was not her fault- she was pretty bummed and I stuck my foot in my mouth when somehow the topic of depression came up. Basically, a friend of mine had recently started taking an anti-depressant and I was totally against it. The medication had dissolved my friend's personality and left a hollow shell of his former self behind.
After I said that, she responded with "I'm on anti-depressants and trying to get off of them"
I apologized profusely for my insensitivity- but it was way too late. I dropped her off feeling like I had ruined the world.
I felt like I had betrayed her, but luckily she forgave me. We hung out a few times- and talked... deep things. Things like our grandparents, and how they had tremendous faith in their relationships to last them a lifetime. Things like spirituality and reincarnation- basically stuff that sounds wacky and corny when brought up in different social circles... but with her, it was natural. She seemed to posses a wisdom and weariness of an old soul that I would have never guessed would be contained in her young, delicate frame. I, on the other hand was/am a baby soul.
I was determined to redeem myself of the stupid shit that I said that night, and luckily she was gracious enough to share her pain both past and present with me. I think it was good for her, because she gradually got off the medication.
This story doesn't really have an end, but she ended up moving to Seattle. We exchanged e-mails and I even got a X-mas card from her... but as the months faded away, so did the frequency of the correspondence.
Then one day, I got an email from my friend Paul (who moved up to Seattle). Paul was the one who gave her the name "Angry" because she glared at him one day. The email said:
"I was at the Grocery store and who should I see but 'Angry'. She looked good man. After I saw her, I ran away and hid"
I asked him if he was sure it was her, and he replied "there's only one 'Angry Shout Out'"
And he's right.
*****
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